Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely
by Miyuki Usuki
Summary: After the death of his friends, Bardock reflects on his relationship with them as he prepares for the battle against Freeza


# Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely

_By Miyuki Thiem_

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**Disclaimer:** _I have to put this at the beginning instead of assuming people read the disclaimer page or just assume I am not making any money from this (and I'm not!). But since I am adding lyrics from a favorite song of mine in this story, I have to do this._ "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely" _ is owned by the Backstreet Boys and anyone else who have claims to this song. As for those who don't like the BSB, do **not** flame me for doing this to Gokuh's father. I just thought it'd be a good idea. Besides, it is still one of my favorite songs!_

**Author's Note:** If you do not want any spoilers at all for the Bardock Special, I would recommend you not reading this. Also most of the dialogue is not word-for-word for several reasons. One, Japanese grammar is different from American. Two, this is mostly out of memory. Last note, this is the first time I've used lyrics from a song in my stories, please tell me if I did a good job or not. 

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_"So many words for the broken heart,  
It's hard to see in a crimson love..."_

Bardock stepped inside the pod. Rather, he stuck a leg and a some of his body in and kept it there for a while. He knew very well he shouldn't stall, for there was something he had to do. But he still couldn't believe it. Although he never let it bother him during the fight, the shock never really did wear off. Upon arriving on Meatsei, he was proud of what his crew had accomplished without him, seeing that all inhabitants had been killed. He thought that he would be able to kill at least **one** Meatsei-jin after the scouter reported that there were living beings elsewhere. He did not expect to see what he saw.

His four friends-- teammates, were lying on piles of rocks, bloodied and dead. Many thoughts had raced through his mind; some of them were still with him. He had been staring at them in an expression he couldn't identify to himself, until the weak, pained voice of his best friend called his name, distracting him from his bemusement. The only one of the four left alive, soon, Bardock already knew at that point, to be dead.

He shook his head violently, forcing himself to return to the present. The Kunassasei-jin taunted him of suffering by seeing his own future. Was it the dreams he had during the rejuvenation process? Or were they just hallucinations? No matter. Whatever it was, it wasn't making things any easier for him. He had visions of the "future" and reflections of the past. It was hard for him to concentrate in the present. This couldn't be healthy. Not with what he had to do.

Disgusted, Bardock hauled himself inside the one-person spacepod, taking a seat on the cushioned chair. The door closed in front of him as he stared out the window, becoming distant to himself as he started to embrace the past events. The conversation with Toma returned to him. It was the last one they would ever have again.

_"So hard to breathe  
Walk with me, and maybe  
Nights of light so soon become  
Wild and free I could feel the sun..."_

_Ten minutes ago..._

He rushed to his side, knowing the lack of time there was. There were a dozen questions that needed to be answered, but Bardock knew that Toma did not have time to answer all of them. He chose the two most important questions at the moment, and after lifting Toma's head up to hear the answers more clearly he asked, "What's going on? What happened?!"

He smiled. A full one, not a usual smirk. A slight shake of the head before he went on speaking, "Fool. You didn't have to come into this." Dying and still has his cockiness, Bardock thought to himself with pride. He did not let death get in the way of his attitude. But he had to force himself not to show what he felt inside. There wasn't much time left, and there were important things that needed to be answered. It will be useful to him, he knew it.

"Did the Meatsei-jins...?"

"We got rid of them in a second."

Bardock stared at him in confusion. If the Meatsei-jins were all killed in a flash of light, then what happened? Who else was here?! "Then who attacked you?"

His bloody smug look wore off, turning into a frown of hatred and despair. "Freeza! He betrayed us," he explained desperately, apparently clinging back on to his life to tell everything he could. Bardock gaped, and immediately gave his response, which was to be expected out of anybody with some common sense. First off, why would Toma lie when he knows he's going to die? Secondly, he was his best friend, and they were supposed to trust each other.

Toma went on explaining to Bardock everything he could, Bardock listening intently. Toma coughed up some blood, a sign that his time was getting closer. He knew it, and just barely managed to finish what he needed to say. With a smirk, he instructed Bardock to challenge Freeza. "Listen. Go back to Vegetasei, recruit our comrades. Confront Freeza and show him the true strength and power of the Saiya-jin people..."

_"Your every wish will be done  
They tell me..."_

With that last sentence brought up, Toma closed his eyes, and Bardock knew that his long time friend was dead. Bardock just stared at him, having no expression shown. Inside, there were emotions to which he could not describe. He knew that he was going to die sooner or later, so why did he feel like he had become deprived of life himself? And he still could not believe it. He slowly set Toma down, not allowing his feelings get the best of him.

During the five seconds something flashed before his eyes. A memory. An event that Bardock had forgotten a long time ago, just now returning to him. Five seconds was enough to let him remember the five hours it took for the two of them to become the best of all friends...

_Twenty-four years earlier..._

Almost made it to freedom. Just a couple more steps and there would be no worries. He could do a short spar quickly before his father returned. Bardock had been restricted from training temporarily after getting into deep trouble with authorities. He didn't understand what for, but they claimed it was for terrorizing the noblities. For that, he was not allowed to go anywhere outside for a long time, and to make sure of this, his father put heavy locks on the doors and windows. He was out for the afternoon, and Bardock's mother had long since been dead, so there wasn't much to worry about.

But twelve-year old Bardock knew a secret. There was a hole in the middle of the main room that heads out directly to the outside, right in front of the arena. The night before he told his so-called "friends" to wait for him there, and if they weren't there he was going to be very irritated. Could he already call them trustworthy friends? Could he even call them friends? The only one he knew well was Panboukin. They've known each other for seven years, since their fathers happened to be great friends themselves. Back to reality. Bardock dropped himself into the hole, then quickly running down the passageway to get to the other opening. He had no clue how this got here, but he was thankful it was here.

After climbing out of the hole, he saw only Panboukin and this other person. Who? Bardock didn't even get enough time to examine this new male as Panboukin immediately introduced him, "This is Toma, Bardock. Don't get overly excited about who he is automatically," then he muttered something either to this Toma person or himself.

"Oh really?" Bardock answered, totally uninterested. Changing the subject, he asked the whereabouts of the others. Panboukin replied that they bailed out, saying that an angry father will not be one to mess with. "Sure, and they didn't run off before," Bardock shook his head in disgust.

There came a chuckle from Toma. "An angry father was not the main reason," he explained with a smirk. "Seeing you in public is now bad enough now. The authorities think that you snuck out and trashed the nobles again. They are **really** after you now. There was even a recommendation of explusion from the academy."

"And where did you get all this information?" Bardock arched a brow suspiciously. "Does the entire capital know or something and I didn't?"

In fact, Bardock had no clue why the authorities suspected **him**. Why the hell would he go to those snotty spoiled brats and ruin their little exquisite display of armor and power? The expression on his face was enough to tell the other two what was on his mind, and that's what he intended so he won't have to say anymore than what he did. But Toma only knew him for what, seven seconds? And he knew exactly what Bardock was thinking. "I'm not sure what you would be doing over there, but according to what your brother did several years ago..."

"Do you read minds or something?" Bardock laughed. He wasn't even thinking about his older brother. That boy was surely an embarrassment, though he was always energetic. But he was killed for one too many crimes, which Bardock himself had no idea what he did that was so bad. _Here he goes again, ruining someone's life,_ he thought bitterly.

A person walked by. Not a Saiya-jin, one of those other humaniod creatures. Upon seeing Bardock, he ran quickly out of sight. Bardock stared vaguely that direction he ran, seeing that this was **really** not good. "Well, let's get far away enough from civilization so we won't have to see any more cowards running at the sight of me."

That was how those two met. Nothing really big, but during the spars, Bardock started having a liking for this person, as they immediately understood each other. Within a week, they were able to predict one another's actions. There wasn't much of a difference between the two of them. Perhaps the biggest one was that one grew up with expectations, the other with respect.

_"Show me the meaning of being lonely,  
Is this the feeling I need to walk with?  
Tell me why I can't be there where you are  
There's something missing in my heart"_

_Back on Meatsei..._

Bardock wished that they had met during a better time, in a better way. It didn't matter now though. They had known each other better than either have known themselves, that was considered a very strong bond between friends. But it was more than strong for them. It was almost like they were one person at times. And although Toma was dead now, Bardock still felt that way.

For the first time in a long time, he felt himself wanting to show what he really felt. He finally noticed that his hand was sticky, and glanced at it, seeing a red fluid. Then he looked at the white cloth on Toma's left arm. His first thought was to wipe his hand off with it, but then thoughts exited his mind. Instead, he took the cloth, wiped the blood of Toma's face first, then put it in his left hand where the blood had been.

He stood, holding the partially blood-stained cloth in his hand, looking to the rest of his dead friends. They had been very close to him also. They didn't deserve to die. None of them has done anything wrong. Even when they left without him, Bardock had no anger within him. It only showed that they were just ready to get another planet done so they could do another one. Perhaps a harder one, this time with him. But the five of them were separated by death. And planet wiping was not the thing on his mind anymore.

He first looked to Totepo, the only other person he felt comfortable telling secrets to. He was a very quiet person, only saying things when he knows the time is right. When it came to being serious, like it seems he always was, he never took it overboard. Through his stillness, Bardock knew that he knew how to have a good time. When he works hard, it seems he has the most fun out of everything and everyone. He had no faults, no grudges, or at least used to. In the afterlife there would be a great hatred for Freeza. Did he know the truth?

Bardock shifted his eyes over to the soldier who he rarely got along with, yet the bravest fighter he has ever known. The only female he has ever met that would fight an opponent with full honor, and perhaps a few extra. Celipa was also the youngest of them all, the shortest, the only female in the group-- team. Both of them would taunt each other until the day wears out, and many times the others would say how it is a relief the two hadn't killed each other yet. In the beginning Bardock only tolerated her because the rest of the males, suspiciously **especially** Toma, asked him too. Right now, he wouldn't mind if Celipa sprung back to life right about now.

He had to turn his head to see the one he has known the longest, the most entertaining of the quintet, Panboukin. He had incredible skill for his build, incredible speed. Any other Saiya-jin with a build such as his would not turn out to be at the least bit exceptional. But Panboukin was different. Unique. He was the only reason why Bardock had even a tiny liking for his father. After all, if his father didn't know Panboukin's father, the two would have never met, and Toma, Celipa, and Totepo would only be aquaintances to him. If anything, Panboukin was the backbone of the group.

He clenched his fists harder. Fury was boiling, but he told himself to keep calm. He had to. After all, his friends' killers had arrived, and were sneering at him. A look that could kill showed up on his face, and he knew it was time for revenge. Tying the now fully bloodstained cloth on his head, he charged at those aliens. He was going to show no mercy.

_"Life goes on as it never ends,  
Eyes of stone observe the trends  
They never say forever gaze..."_

_In the present..._

Bardock shook himself out of it again. Why was he torturing himself **now**? Time wasn't going any slower, or was it? He check the small clock on the computer console. He was in the pod for only two minutes. With all those memories, it felt like two hours. Now what was happening? Maybe it was a different type of hallucination this time. Not one of the "future" but a hallucination on the time. He snarled dangerously, muttering a curse before jamming his fist on the button that lifted the ship off. He did not want to deal with this at the moment.

He didn't have much of a choice but to look out the window, but when he did, he noticed his friends again. He had to grip the arm rests to keep himself from looking back at them. He had to restrain himself from now on. He had to look away from them. Was it fear? Was it the pain? What was it that was keeping him from wanting to see the truth? But it would be at least five to ten hours before he arrives at Vegetasei. What can he do until then? What is there to do? No more conversations on the way home. Nothing.

He leaned his head back on the chair and shut his eyes, commanding himself to get some rest. That was what he needed. And that's what he got. As he fell asleep, the spacepod left the atmosphere of Meatsei, and dead remains of those who had fought were left behind. All except for two: Bardock and Dodoria.

_"Guilty roads to an endless love,  
There's no control  
Are you with me now?  
Your every wish will be done  
They tell me..."_

_In space..._

He woke up immediately after having another weird dream. Nothing different from when he was in the healing tank. Just more of the Kunassasei-jin's words and the same thing: Kakarotto. And was that his pod that flew by Bardock's window? He knew he'd soon find out. But gut instinct told him it was him. Just when they became side to side with each other, the words of the Kunassasei-jin spoke again, along with another vision. Kakarotto as a young child, an adolescent, and an adult. When the vision went away, so did the spacepod, and that continued Bardock's bewilderment.

The next sight was of Freeza's ship, floating in the same direction he was going. Except it was taking it's time. But it startled Bardock. Freeza not only ordered that his crew was to be killed, but he had plans for the rest of the Saiya-jins. What were they? This was something he did not want to wait to find out. He wanted to know **now**.

_You can be so impatient sometimes._

That thought - was it a thought? - jolted Bardock momentarily out of his anger. What? Who? He knew he didn't just think that. Who was it then? Or what was it? Could it be who he thought it was? Celipa? But he brushed it aside, concentrating now more on what he had to do...

_"Listen. Go back to Vegetasei, recruit our comrades. Confront Freeza and show him the true strength and power of the Saiya-jin people..."_

Bardock nodded to himself, the bandanna making itself known as the moistness started pressing hard on his skin. He will carry out Toma's request. He will get the other Saiya-jins to help him defeat Freeza. He will get more revenge. For the betrayal, for his crew, for the Saiya-jin race. That was the most important thing he had to worry about right now. He must kill Freeza. And somehow, a part of him has already defeated the icy lord.

_"There's nowhere to run  
I have no place to go  
Surrender my heart, body, and soul  
How can it be you're asking me  
To feel the things you never show..."_

_On Vegetasei..._

He wearily stepped out of the spacepod, then leaned on it as a support. He fell asleep again during the trip back, and the dream he had was one of the strangest he's ever hand. A collage of memories. Not a trace of anything he had never lived, or never seen before. They never told the full story, only the high points. And he understood the voice he heard when he saw Freeza's ship. It **was** Celipa. It was part of a memory of the first planet they took control of together as a group.

Sometimes pain went away for a period of time after one receives the wound. Bardock's was just returning to him. He flinched slightly, remembering how he got the injuries. He was doing so well against Freeza's minions, and easily killed them all. There was one setback: two more visions. But Bardock quickly threw those aside and got back into the game, just in time to save himself from a killing blow. But there had been one that he couldn't defeat.

Bardock demanded to know, "Why us?!" upon seeing Dodoria. He didn't answer, wasted no time like Bardock regretted not doing, and blew him across the land for a few hundred feet. The shock stopped him from doing anything to defend himself, and that was his fault. He should've done something, and he wouldn't be in the condition he was now. Would he be in worse or better, was the question, which he knew the answer. He would've been in so much better condition.

_Dammit Toma,_ Bardock thought angrily. _Why couldn't you have waited until I got out of the tank? All of you would've been alive now. This pain wouldn't be here. This is going to be a major setback. But I'll try not to let it get in my way._

Two people came up to Bardock, and started talking to him. He didn't feel like listening to them and left to get the other Saiya-jins, but upon hearing that his son was sent to a blue planet he turned around. Was the Kunassasei-jin telling the truth? Was the future he was seeing... the real future?

_"Show me the meaning of being lonely  
Is this the feeling I need to walk with?  
Tell me why I can't be there where you are  
There's something missing in my heart."_

_In the bar on Vegetasei, fifteen minutes later..._

What was so damned funny?! Their lives were at stake here! The laughter in the cafe was overwhelming, and Bardock was getting more and more furious as each laugh came out. "Bastards... YOU BASTARDS!" He snapped. The guffaw ceased immediately and all eyes were back on the third class soldier. "I don't need you. You can all go to Hell!"

He turned and stormed out of the bar. Why didn't they believe him? He even mentioned Toma and the others, and they **still** mocked him. Why would he lie about his friends?! They knew him well. Or did they not just care about them anymore? They were probably just drunk. It didn't matter. All of them still laughed. Since when were deaths of friends funny?! Since when was the fact that a traitor was going to destroy Vegetasei funny?!

_Sorry, Toma, they just wouldn't listen,_ Bardock thought disgustedly. Now he was trying to talk to a dead friend. How ironic was that? He almost laughed himself. But if those Saiya-jins would pay no heed to the warning, then Bardock knew he had to do this himself. He knew he could do it. He had to. Although he never verbally said it, he had a promise to keep. To refuse to do one's dying wish was dishonorable.

_Don't get **too** mad, Bardock. You don't want the ceiling to collapse on you._

He stopped running for a second. That line belonged to Panboukin, when Bardock had learned that Celipa was hiding something from him, which she wouldn't tell him although he told her he knew. She told him off then walked away quite calmly, which did left Bardock in complete fury. Panboukin knew that a small joke from a friend was enough to calm him down. But right now Bardock was wondering, what were with all these voices of his friends that were said so long ago? If these voices and those visions kept up, how is he planning on killing Freeza?

_You give up already? Bardock, I thought you had more pride than that._

That was the voice of Toma. A sparring session, three against two. Celipa, Toma, and Totepo against Bardock and Panboukin. All three had attacked Bardock, leaving him with a sprained knee and dislocated shoulder. He had sat in pain for a long moment, long enough to make one think that he had refused to keep going. Toma knew what to say then to get him back up, to protect his reputation. It worked. And it worked now too, as Bardock continued to ascend the stairs.

_**That's** the spirit, Bardock._

One of the few things Totepo has ever said during the time Bardock has known him. Bardock had been in an extremely bad mood that day, and another Saiya-jin came and insulted him in ways one should not be insulted. He had turned and started to walk away, not wanting to deal with this, but Toma and Panboukin had him restrained. All Celipa had to do was insult him back, then the other Saiya-jin bad-mouthed him again, thinking that the comment would crush him. It backfired as Bardock smirked and then beat the living Hell out of him.

_He betrayed us! ....... Go back to Vegetasei ...... show him the true strength and power of the Saiya-jin people..._

Toma's last words. Bardock swore he was going to keep this promise. Vegetasei will not be destroyed. The Saiya-jins will live on, despite what the Kunassasei-jin said. They will never become extinct. Never. And when this ordeal is over, Bardock knew he will find a way to continue life without his friends. Somehow.

The band on his head tickled him again. He stopped and traced his fingers across it. No. He could never forget his four very best friends. Somehow he knew that they were alongside him right now, and it allowed him to feel more power. This dark red cloth was the symbol that no matter what, the five of them will always stand strong, no matter what happened. Freeza may have taken away his companions from life, but they were, and always will be, inseperable. Freeza has already made his first failure.

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End file.
